Saturday, November 14, 2009


So, I think the hiatus may have been long enough. Anybody still out there? Read any good blogs lately?


Taking a break from school to focus on motherhood has left me with entirely too much time on my hands, and too many stories that haven't been written.

So, basically, I'm thinking about blogging again. We'll see. Guess you'll have to check back to find out, won't ya!


Monday, March 30, 2009

Exploration and the Expansion of Ego

Sometime, anytime, another time, I changed. Became a different person, another person. A totally new being completely unrelated to the person I was before.

I became a mother.

And with that, I became something completely bigger than myself. Something that would begin to define me, absolutely separate from anything, any term I had used in the past. Something that would belong completely to me, yet have absolutely nothing to do with me.

Somewhere along the line I became more than one person could ever be expected to become. I became responsible for more than just myself. And more than that even.

In trying to pinpoint the moment of transition, in attempting to determine when, where, what the catalyst was for this momentous exchange of emotion between myself and my new purpose; it seems infallible to try to narrow it down to one set of moments. One time where the sleepless nights, and the incessant questioning started and my other life ended. When the worrying began, where the road from point A to point B became the new blueprint of authenticity, where all exits led to another person and selfishness became a one way street.

Then the questioning began. Am I going to fail? Is it possible to succeed? In building another human am I losing the parts of myself that I loved the most? Am I worthy? Am I embarrassing? Will I fuck him up before he has a chance at happiness? Is he bonding, independent, too needy, too ahead of the curve, too far behind? And am I the person capable to make the decisions that I can't make for myself?

And you breathe.

And you push.

And somewhere between the blood. And the shit. And the tearing of flesh. And the creation of life from where once there was nothing you realize:

I know nothing.

I am nothing.

And you cry out. To God. To friends. To anyone who knew you when. Knew you before you woke up in this new reality. This new prison of expectation in the fog of insecurity and abhorrent idealism.

To anyone, everyone, Someone. Willing to walk with you. Willing to lead you, teach you, prepare you for preparing someone else to prepare yet another generation of preparation.

And at some point, when you're not fully convinced, when you've turned your back on the former life you once strove so hard to protect, when all your work and efforts at becoming the person you used to be take a back seat to the person you have to be, for him, for you, for them; it becomes painfully obvious that you don't know what the fuck you're doing. That you're just as blind as he is, as they are. That you wander through this desert of independence, co dependence, and know that nothing will ever be the same. Nothing will ever look the same. Nothing will ever feel the same.

And everything you never thought you wanted becomes completely worth it in the end.

And you breathe.

And you expand.

And you sleep on it.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Random Update

Just thought I'd let everyone (or the few who still check in) that my thesis is well on its way. Hopefully in the next few months I'll be able to give ya'll a snippet or two.

Oh yeah... and I got married.

And I'm pregnant.

How's that for an update?


Thursday, October 04, 2007

Strippers in the Making: or, Why Kid Nation is Making Me Fear for our Future

Ugh... I hate people.

And I really dislike children. Say what you will about being bitter or insensitive, or quote Whitney Houston all you want, children really drive me up the wall. I am sure that when it comes to my own- actually, if it comes to my own- I will have some sort of maternal instinct which will make them tolerable; however, as of right now they simply annoy me.

Hence the reason I'm not going into social work.

Have any of you managed to suffer through this new CBS drama, Kid Nation? If this is a direct link to the future of our nation, I might as well off myself now and be done with it. For those of you not in the know, let me give you a brief synopsis.

CBS has brilliantly decided that it would be better, rather than exploiting consenting adults on reality television for monetary gain, to allow consenting parents to exploit their children on television for monetary gain. Recently, an article on The Smoking Gun provided a liability waiver requiring signature by the parents which relieves CBS from any lawsuits if the children suffer any injuries, death, or sexually transmitted diseases while taping the series. I shit you not. This is a town composed of forty children, ranging in ages from eight to fifteen, and you have to sign an STD waiver? My faith in humanity is exponentially increased, let me tell you.

So, along the way the children must create a working town by assigning jobs, actually completing these jobs (no thanks to that cunt Taylor- I'll get to her later), establishing some form of law and order, and competing for "class status," ranging from laborers, making ten cents for doing janitorial work, and the upper class, who receive a dollar for doing absolutely nothing.

Wow. This is really teaching our children great values. Really. Not helping the situation is the token Jewish kid, Jared, who, upon his groups entry into the upper class, goes on a slight tirade during an interview about how much he loves money. Thanks, Jared's parents, for perpetuating a stereotype in your children that I must continually face. The Jewish community applauds you.
In the first episode, one child, upon being placed in the lower class and realizing she doesn't have enough money to afford a bicycle, resorts to dancing in the street for money. Ten to one she's on the pole in six years.
And then, there's Taylor.
Taylor, Taylor... you little cunt.
Is it wrong to call a small child a cunt? I don't really care at this point. I have the overwhelming urge to bitch slap this child across the face, as she represents everything I dislike about humanity.
First off, she's a pageant queen. This alone gives her an unabashed sense of entitlement and egomaniacle attitude, probably attributed to her fat mother's issues with her own appearance and her need to live vicariously through her children. Pageant kids are just weird, and I seriously believe it's a form of child abuse. Have you seen some of these pageants? Little tiny children are dressing up in less clothes than strippers, dancing provocatively around for adult male judges, whoring themselves out with enough makeup and hairspray to make Tammy Faye jealous- it's sick. It freaks me out. Not only that, but it's perpetuating a stereotype that external beauty is the only attribute that matters, which is probably why Taylor is such a disrespectful little bitch.
Her favorite phrase? "Deal with it."
For example: Taylor is supposed to be working in the kitchen. Where is she? Hanging out in the bunks with her little posse of less attractive girls who think hanging out with her will make them cool by association. When someone stops by to ask her to please do her job, she says "deal with it."
When the other kids complain that her group (as she is the "council leader" for her team) isn't pulling her own weight, what does she say? "Deal with it." Also, she's been known to say that "pageant girls don't clean dirty dishes."
I hope her parents watch the show. I hope they realize what a monster they're creating. I hope it embarrasses them to know their daughter acts like a pompous spoiled egotistical brat around other people. I hope they are ashamed. Otherwise, one Taylor grows up and realizes the world doesn't function like pageants, her parents are going to be in a world of shit. Daddy's little pageant queen, suffering from an overwhelming sense of insecurity and a fragile ego will start searching out validation wherever she can find it. My prediction: she'll end up pregnant by fifteen, dropping out of high school, and either ending up on the pole, or getting fat and coaching cheerleading.
Either way she'll still be bitch.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Okay, Mom... You win.

Okay, so I started another blog. It's here. I'm not writing about the strip club, but my mother seems to be going through withdrawls without reading something I wrote on the computer. Far be it for her to call and find out how my life is going (hah, just kidding). Anyway, this new blog is what it is. Read it, or don't.

I do miss you guys, though!


Monday, May 28, 2007

All Good Things

Well, folks, after a lot of quiet consideration, I've decided to stop writing this blog. I've been approved to write my own thesis next semester on the evolution of male customers in a Gentlemans' club, and I really need to keep my observations private for the purposes of that paper.

I have really enjoyed writing this, and I hope you all have enjoyed reading it. Thanks to all who gave me links and read my little stories about a titty bar in the south.

Take care, everyone, and I hope you all fulfill whatever your heart desires!


P.S.: I'm in Arkansas

P.P.S: My name is Jennifer :)

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Sorry guys, I've been out of commission for a while. Right now the only thing(s) that are happening at work (drama related) are personal between staff memebers, and not to be posted on the internet. No offense.

Hopefully there will be some juicy drama this weekend. Until then!

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