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Monday, March 30, 2009

Exploration and the Expansion of Ego

Sometime, anytime, another time, I changed. Became a different person, another person. A totally new being completely unrelated to the person I was before.

I became a mother.

And with that, I became something completely bigger than myself. Something that would begin to define me, absolutely separate from anything, any term I had used in the past. Something that would belong completely to me, yet have absolutely nothing to do with me.

Somewhere along the line I became more than one person could ever be expected to become. I became responsible for more than just myself. And more than that even.

In trying to pinpoint the moment of transition, in attempting to determine when, where, what the catalyst was for this momentous exchange of emotion between myself and my new purpose; it seems infallible to try to narrow it down to one set of moments. One time where the sleepless nights, and the incessant questioning started and my other life ended. When the worrying began, where the road from point A to point B became the new blueprint of authenticity, where all exits led to another person and selfishness became a one way street.

Then the questioning began. Am I going to fail? Is it possible to succeed? In building another human am I losing the parts of myself that I loved the most? Am I worthy? Am I embarrassing? Will I fuck him up before he has a chance at happiness? Is he bonding, independent, too needy, too ahead of the curve, too far behind? And am I the person capable to make the decisions that I can't make for myself?

And you breathe.

And you push.

And somewhere between the blood. And the shit. And the tearing of flesh. And the creation of life from where once there was nothing you realize:

I know nothing.

I am nothing.

And you cry out. To God. To friends. To anyone who knew you when. Knew you before you woke up in this new reality. This new prison of expectation in the fog of insecurity and abhorrent idealism.

To anyone, everyone, Someone. Willing to walk with you. Willing to lead you, teach you, prepare you for preparing someone else to prepare yet another generation of preparation.

And at some point, when you're not fully convinced, when you've turned your back on the former life you once strove so hard to protect, when all your work and efforts at becoming the person you used to be take a back seat to the person you have to be, for him, for you, for them; it becomes painfully obvious that you don't know what the fuck you're doing. That you're just as blind as he is, as they are. That you wander through this desert of independence, co dependence, and know that nothing will ever be the same. Nothing will ever look the same. Nothing will ever feel the same.

And everything you never thought you wanted becomes completely worth it in the end.

And you breathe.

And you expand.

And you sleep on it.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes,becoming a parent changes everything.

Congratulations!

Thanks for posting!

11:02 AM  
Blogger Mommy said...

Congratulations and welcome to the roller coaster of motherhood!
I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing half the time.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

www.86BadTips.com

12:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations!
You're right becoming a mother is the most magical act in the whole world
Love to you and yours,
Lil Skraps

12:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations!
There is nothing in the universe like it, is there?
Try to admire and remember all you can. They are only tiny once...I cherish those memories.
Best wishes to you all,
Love,
Lil Skraps

12:49 PM  
Blogger SkippyMom said...

You just made my Sunday! I am so happy to see you back and that you are doing well and I bet the baby is a cutie.

Congratulations! I couldn't be more happy for you.

Hugs and if you need anything - come find me :) I am always around.

All the best. It is worth everything, believe me.

4:45 PM  
Blogger byleonard said...

Jennifer,

I just recently found both of your blogs and read them all the way through. I've always had an interest in how other people see the world and to be able to consider these views when we make decisions. I've never worked any kind of service job but have always prided myself on not being cheap when tipping. That being said, I'll tip a little better from now on.

I also wanted to let you know that I appreciate your post about April 16th. I was a sophmore at Tech at the time and will never forget that day. I knew two of the 32 that are no longer with us and have two friends that were injured in the shooting. Both are proud to still be students at Tech. I always tell people not to feel uncomfortable talking about that day with us. For most of us it was something that affected us strongly and while there are those that don't like to talk about it, many of us don't mind or even feel better getting some of it off of our chests. Its always nice to know that people care about what happened there.

Thanks,

Ben

8:51 AM  
Anonymous BecAus said...

Great post. Motherhood is powerful.

8:14 PM  
Blogger Wall said...

Congratulations on your happy event.

I also just found your blog while doing a survey on club related writing. How is the thesis coming? Still doing any research, writing up findings, or finished? Looking for any feedback?

Posted here with no obvious way to contact you directly. As for me, I'm not that hard to find.

7:20 PM  
Anonymous strippers melbourne said...

Nice post, love it. Thanks for sharing

7:24 PM  

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